Noya

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Noya….more like….Ya…but No!

In the sacred section of overpriced restaurants and culinary worlds colliding, on ShlomZion HaMalkah Street where tourists come to window shop and walk aimlessly down the Jerusalem winding roads, you will find the restaurant, Noya. This eatery is located in a corner, with a nondescript sign almost flirting with its simplicity for you to come in.

If you are lucky, you will not give in to the temptation.

Noya is a split level establishment with the highest level of Kosher standards. This means the most religious eat there for celebrations, dates and when family comes to town. NOT because its cuisine is so exceptional.

First, the decor reminded me of a dilapidated shule in Long Island that thrived in the late 60s but struggles to get a Minyan today. The private space was separated by wood panel bi-fold doors, like the kind that separates a main sanctuary from a social hall where kichel would be served and coffee poured in styrofoam cups. The wires were dangling loosely from the wall for a boring and defunct AV system that was hip when Ace of Base ruled the airwaves.

The private space was open to the kitchen below. Mind you, you could not SEE the kitchen. But you could hear it. Loud clanking of dishes and rattling of silverware and staff talking made any conversations more challenging.

But we do not come to NOYA for decor. We come to eat. Nu? How was the food?

Well, the decor was better!

This was a great meal if you had COVID because you would love it if you could not decipher tastes. The food was bland and plain, at best.

We started with a sparing assembly of simple salads, then some sesame bread that was not hot, ground beef on hummus which was cold (the beef part) and not particularly tasty. Finally, they served chicken liver (whole) with craisins. It was yuck and a weird combo and did not work for me - or anyone else. Lots left over.

The main course was a wooden plank of grilled veggies and meats. Patties, steak and chicken. They all, and I mean all, tasted the same. Almost like Tofu. Unseasoned Tofu. They did also bring a braised brisket which was better than the rest of the dishes but still ehh, at best.

Dessert was a copycat mix of parve ice cream, sorbet, fruit and molten chocolate lava cake which was unremarkable.

Bottom line, Noya is in the wrong location and has no angle or uniqueness to make it worthy of your time. More like a YA…..NO, for me!